These two pictures are similar in many ways. In both pictures I am doing something I really enjoy. In the one on the left, I am sitting in a beach chair in my favorite place. I can almost smell the Gulf and feel the warm breeze just by looking at the picture. Plus- look how tan I am! I had obviously spent a lot of time in the sun. That must be why I have that big smile. I must have been so happy sitting on that beach! In the second picture I am holding a cat. Awww. I. Really. Love. Cats. The cat doesn’t seem too thrilled that I’m holding him, but I have a cute smile on my face and I’m holding a cat. Yep. I sure look happy.
I remember that day I held the cat; it was a really great day. My sisters and I were all together for the first time in about sixteen months due to the Covid quarantine. We laughed and shopped and laughed and ate and laughed. We must never go that long without being together; we are all that’s left of our family. It was so awesome to be together. I was really happy, and my smile reflected that.
Now the day I sat in the beach chair was a bit of a different story. Sure, there were happy moments during the day. I was on vacation with my family on a beach! We had no obligations except walking in the sand, sitting in the sun, splashing in the waves, and, enjoying a margarita or two or three… However, there were many moments that day when my thoughts wandered away from my amazing surroundings to places in my mind that clouded my bright day, no matter how I tried to push them away. Instead of walking in the waves, enjoying the warm waters- I often cried as I walked, avoiding people’s eyes. I was really unhappy, but my smile didn’t show that.
Even though discussing mental health no longer holds the stigma it once held, we often avoid talking about any depression issues we might have. That needs to change. I spent just about the entirety of 2020 in a depression- and this depression had nothing to do with the pandemic we were and still are dealing with. I needed professional help and medication to deal with my dark emotional state caused by personal problems I was experiencing.
During 2019 I had visited a therapist to help me deal with some issues. I attended about six therapy sessions, and my therapist helped me work through my problems. I felt so much better. I was not in a depression; I just needed some tools to look at some parts of my life in a different way. Therapy was very beneficial for me.
What I experienced in 2020 was a true clinical depression. Issues in my life made me unable to eat, sleep, or think of things that made me happy. Sometimes I spent hours crying; I just couldn’t stop. It was frightening. I had never experienced something like that. I also realized that I hadn’t really been happy for a very long time. I did not feel confident in my appearance and in my value to my family. I never at any time had the desire to hurt myself in any way- I just needed to learn to love myself and my life more. My severe depression lasted about six months; I considered my depression manageable after about ten months. During all that time, I met with a therapist (not the same therapist I had visited the year before) and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. My medication was a game-changer. It did take a while, but my chemical levels got to where they should be. The therapy sessions and medication combined helped me immensely. I began to sleep (ah, I had forgotten how much I love sleep!), think about other things, and most importantly, began to love myself.
During those long ten months, only my husband, children, and one of my sisters knew about my depression. I went to work every day, pasted a smile on my face, laughed, made jokes, and did my job. On many days after work I got in my car and cried the entire way home and then maybe cried a little more when I got there. I would try to be happy- I know my family hated seeing me sad and crying so often. Sometimes I would go as long as a week without crying. Then one bad day would start it all over again. That’s how depression works.
While my self-esteem and self-love was increasing, I was still waiting for someone to make me happy. My therapist often told me that I was the one in charge of my happiness, but I must be really hard-headed because I did not realize the truth to her words until ten months after my depression began. One day it was like the sun had finally risen. I looked at how I was reacting to the pain I had experienced and realized I had to be my own hero. I am stronger than I was giving myself credit for being. This totally changed me. I felt lighter, and a real smile replaced the tears that had rolled down my face.
Now, I am not saying that I don’t have the occasional sad moment or that I don’t shed a tear once in a while. Those things do happen, of course. Everyone experiences that. The difference now is I give myself time to cry, and then I move on, focusing on how wonderful my life really is.
I am not ashamed of my depression at all, and I think I will always have some depression issues. The year 2020 is one that no one will ever forget. It was the worst year of my life; however, it was also the year I was forced to realize how unhappy I was and how I tried to make people laugh because I often felt so low. It was also when I found the one and only person that can make me happy. She’s the one smiling in those pictures.
