A few years ago a couple in my town divorced after about thirty years of marriage. I didn’t know them really well; however, our kids had gone to elementary school together and we live in a small town, so we were a bit more than acquaintances. I remember wondering why they would have gotten divorced at the point where their kids were grown and out of the house and they finally had time alone together. It just didn’t seem to make sense to me.
Now I am part of that couple’s marital demographic- the “gray divorce” club. This term has come to refer to divorces that happen after a couple has been married for decades and they are over fifty years old. It is the general belief that marriage is most vulnerable to divorce in the early years, when couples are rearing children, learning to deal with finances, and experiencing everything else that life throws at a family. In recent years it has come to light that couples in long-term marriages are just as vulnerable. When my marriage ended after thirty years together and almost twenty-seven of those years as a married couple, I began reading about gray divorce; my experiences mirrored a lot of what I read. I am by no means an expert, but I have come to learn a lot about the subject. You might be surprised to discover that it’s not all bad.
#1 Sometimes That Vision of How It Will Be When the Kids Finally Move Out is Just a Fantasy
When my kids were growing up and my ex-husband and I were constantly busy with work and the kids’ activities and rarely had time as a couple, we used to talk about how great it was going to be once the kids were gone and we could finally spend together without them. What I actually discovered is the majority that we had in common was our kids. Our marriage fell apart six months after our youngest left for college- now, to be honest, it was me discovering my husband’s years-long relationship with his girlfriend and not my son’s departure that caused our marriage to crumble! (Yeah, I know- what a d—, I mean jerk!). However, once it was just the two of us in the house, it was quieter but it was certainly not what we had envisioned for all those years. We discovered we had grown apart just when we had only each other to focus on (or at least I believed we had only each other to focus on- oh, yes, I went there). Looking back, I realize our marriage had been over for years- I made myself so busy with the kids to keep myself in denial. Many couples do this to avoid admitting their marriage is over- it doesn’t work.
#2 Older Women are More Independent
In the workplace I have always been a very dominant person, but at home I felt that I could not live a comfortable life without my husband. Who would fix things around the house? Who would earn all the money to pay the bills? Well, guess who does that now? Yep. This woman right here. My house has never looked better or felt like home more than it has since I have been living by myself. When I walk in the house after work, I feel so relaxed; my home feels like me, and that is so calming. Also, even though I am living on only one income, which is less than half of what my ex-husband earns, I have more money in the bank now than we ever had when we were married. What have I discovered? I don’t need no stinking man! I got this.
Even though our generation is far from the June Cleaver model, many women defer to their husbands for things like dinner choices, activities, television programs. Wait- please tell me I am not the only one who did this… This was definitely not something I learned from my mother (at least I don’t ever remember her behaving that way toward my father), but I usually deferred to my now ex-husband on such things. I acted that way because I wanted him to be happy. I truly convinced myself that I did not mind that he would never watch the television shows I wanted to watch or see the movies I wanted to see. I would watch those on my own at another time and watch what he wanted with him so we could spend time together. Food was never a huge thing for me, so I would cook whatever he wanted. Plus, much to my kids’ horror, I would actually plate his meals for him. (Really, what was wrong with me?!) I now realize how foolish I was. I wish I would have lived by the adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.” Clearly neither one of us was happy. Now my opinion is the only opinion that matters. Snap!
#3 Life is Too Short
Even when things really sucked at different times in our marriage, I always felt marriage was forever. On my wedding day I looked into my groom’s eyes and saw us as old people sitting in rocking chairs looking back at a long life together. I didn’t want to give that up, especially after investing decades into our marriage. Umm…That’s bullshit. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. In many ways I think this whole idea of a “gray divorce” is like planning a really great vacation. You and your partner spend years saving for this “trip”, planning out all the details, fantasizing about how great it is going to be. Then, just when it is close enough to start packing for this trip, the trip is cancelled. It might seem like the end of the world, but it’s not. It just means you are not going on that trip. You now have the opportunity to go on a different trip, one that is even better since you have learned so much from your life experiences. You alone get to decide where you are going and what you are going to do. Maybe you will meet someone you want to join you on the trip; maybe you’ll end up going alone. Whatever happens, it is sure going to be an adventure!
And that’s the silver lining in a gray divorce.
